My life as a new mother has given me a new perspective on the idea of individuality. Before, I was persuaded to believe that one's individuality was based on the freedom to make choices. Now, I wonder about the kinds of choices we face in life, and the reasons for the decisions we make. This is an opportunity for me to share my thoughts on being a modern parent.
Modern life puts a strong emphasis on the needs of an individual. Every day we are surrounded by messages that promote immediate gratification, quick fixes for happiness and visible measures of success. We can transform our moods and our physical appearances with chemicals and surgical procedures. We can drive expensive, powerful cars that make us feel better than the driver sitting next to us in traffic. We focus on new love, new technology, and new ways of adding even more tasks into an already busy day. And when it's time to slow down, we meditate to get closer to ourselves.
We are offered ever-increasing choices for brands, services and new and improved products. Making decisions from all of these available options has become a modern reflection of our individuality. Simply stopping at a cafe and ordering a coffee from an extensive menu becomes a process in extreme self-analysis: your beverage reflects who you are. We are offered more choices than ever before to customize our way of life and define our identity.
Finding our identity is an accepted rite of passage. True, it can be a lifelong process to fully understand ourselves. However, given the unprecedented numbers of choices available to "help" us in defining who we are and what our needs are, is it possible that this variety in life is actually deflecting our focus away from the meaningful plans and decisions we eventually want to make in our lives? Are we customizing simple core values to suit our convenience? For example, when we do decide we want to settle down with marriage and family, we are doing so later and later in life, despite the trappings of our digital high-speed lifestyle that promise to save us time.
When children are part of the family equation, this high-speed pace seems to increase. Children are given a growing and over-lapping list of extra-curricular activities that keep them and their parents on a strict schedule, with little room for a free minute here and there. With more options to choose from, children must somehow be able to find their individual specialty or at least be better equipped than their peers, or so the parents' thinking might be. The intention has shifted to a perceived quality of time, not quantity of time.
The effect of all these high-speed choices and experiences is simple: life is more stressful. How do we make life less stressful? Simplify the choices we face. Adapt our pace to our individual needs. Being a mother has made it easier for me to evaluate my choices and make decisions that matter.
I always figured that I would be a mother some day. Since having my first child last year, I'm happily surprised at how much better I am at knowing myself and knowing what I want.
The battle stories about the ups and downs of parenthood from people in my inner circle and through media representations magnified my fears about being a mother. The messages I received from these other accounts were that I might not like being a mother, that I would feel disillusioned. Would I have the energy, the insight, the smarts and the strength to be responsible for another person's life? Would I enjoy motherhood and being a wife? Would I remain my own person? Would I sacrifice too much? Would I be happy?
The answer is "yes" to all of the above, and as for sacrificing too much, I can't say I feel I'm losing out on anything but that instead I'm gaining everything. I have met many challenges as a new mother, and have earned my tears of joy and frustration, but I completely love my new role. I am always given a chance to test my perspective and my strength of character.
If, before the influence of motherhood, external influences suggested to me that I should fear losing my sense of self and individuality, I am surprised that those qualities are stronger in me than ever before. My first choice when becoming a mother was deciding that my experiences would be entirely my own and not a version handed down to me from someone else.
Becoming a mother brought me a very clear and simple revelation: I have a unique identity. No man, not even my wonderful husband, can do what I can do for my child. No other woman can speak for me. No one else can be my child's mother, and I cannot underestimate my role while my son is still young and learning everything he needs to know. When I was pregnant with my son we shared a physical lifeline that continued in different ways after he was born. Any pediatrician will agree that nature has provided for my child's earliest needs and best interests in the form of me, his mother. Research studies find that a mother's intuition is actually a highly sensitive and physiological awareness that is wired especially to her child's needs. That biological connection and responsibility does not change in spite of the choices and influences we face in our modern life. Being someone's mother made me realize that I need my child as much as he needs me.
Many things contribute to the definition of a woman. Could anything be placed higher on that list than the ability to be a mother? It's hard to argue against that core value, regardless of whether a woman in fact becomes a mother. And yet it has become a prescribed dilemma for women: can we be mothers and individuals at the same time? The second wave of feminists in the 1960's and '70's examined the evolution of the status of women into legal independence and then lobbied further for social independence. In order to stand with their male counterparts in the workforce, in the economic market and in the social ranking, feminists argued for gender equality and autonomy, tactically comparing women's abilities and rights with men's abilities and rights. However, the pendulum for gender equality swung too far to one side, and the effect is that women have not had the full protection and recognition of their unique differences and qualities as mothers. We have worked from the premise that it is a man's world, and have not advanced the fact that women have their own world too.
It has been said that we can have it all, but not all at once. A woman's world operates from laws of nature that are individual and non-negotiable. Our years of having children are dictated by a short span of time. Instead of lamenting the pressure of that reality, we must address it directly. If we want to have a family, we choose to assume a tremendous responsibility. And this is a choice that affects almost everyone, so it is everyone's concern to give better choices for families. Most mothers in Canada are working mothers inside and outside the home. But the current work model is not family-friendly and was never an appropriate choice for women that addressed our unique needs. We cannot expect to continue living, working and raising our families the way that we have been in recent history, because this way of life is a new phenomenon that is buckling from the strain. Children need better, more mutually beneficial relationships with their parents.
My wish list of choices for mothers starts with the following items:
1) Promotion of family-friendly work practices so that parents and mothers are not encouraged to be absent from their young children. Our daily pace should adapt to the developmental pace that naturally programs our children, and our children should not have to keep up with our high-speed, stress-inducing pace.
2) Children-focused values should be based on using time to grow together.
3) Any funding considered for a long-proposed national day care program would be better spent in developing flexible, part-time, in-home and innovative employment programs for working mothers, for a five-year minimum option during her young family years.
4) Encouragement of entrepreneurial business initiatives by mothers, proven to be some of the most innovative and inventive people.
5) The improved 24-month maternity leave must be instituted without delay. This age span is generally agreed to be the most important time a child has with his or her mother. However, while this employment standard will help first-time mothers, it will be challenging for the same mothers of second and subsequent children to earn the necessary double insurable hours to support this leave within current work practices which encourage unprecedented numbers of children placed in non-family child care.
6) Parents realize that children are a reflection of their family values.
As my year-long maternity leave neared its end earlier this summer, my husband and I considered our family's needs. Although my salary is important to us, what would we do about my work situation? Who would care for our young son? The choice has been obvious. Nothing is more important to us than taking the time to care for our child. This early period is so short but has life-long effects for behaviour and health issues, and for family stability.
We re-considered my work situation, because I could not imagine changing my relationship with our son, especially while he is so tender and impressionable. I'd worked so hard and so intuitively to help nurture our baby, and felt an enormous sense of accomplishment, fulfillment, personal growth and humble gratitude in witnessing him thrive, prosper and mature in his first year. My lifeline with my son has not run its course. I think that I am the best person to care for our son, and my husband agrees. The time will come when our son will benefit from the expertise of others, such as schoolteachers, but until then I want to know my son better than anyone else knows him. My work schedule will have to work for me, not the other way around, for as long as necessary.
Pre-school or day care facilities are not choices for us. Unless these places can care for my child significantly better than I can in every way, why give him care that does not match my standard? When my child needs an affectionate hug throughout the day, or someone who gives him frequent smiles, who laughs at his developing sense of humour and personality and who connects meaningfully and regularly with his understanding of the world around him, I want that person of influence and assurance to be me. (Sometimes I am the one who needs that hug from him throughout the day.) I want to be and must be the witness to his milestones and everyday habits. I want my relationship with my son to have the time and opportunity for every experience we could share together. I want to prepare him for every decision he will feel ready to make. I want to oversee his socialization with the world. Frankly, I want my son to have love every minute of every day, and I cannot expect anyone else to give him as much love as I easily give him. In my new role as a mother, I feel capable of making the right choices for me and for my family. My individual needs have never been clearer to me, nor have my family needs ever been more important to me. I think I have everything that I ever wanted.
