By Milica Yaksich

  It is the time of Great Lent again, a time to cleanse body and soul; a time to look into one's heart anew and believe that with God's help we all can be "washed whiter than snow" be filled "with joy and gladness" and through fasting and prayer, repentance and Holy Communion, the Lord will restore to us the joy of His salvation. (Ps.50)

  We are nearly two thirds of the way up the ladder. Steps do not get easier or faster as one climbs higher. Quite often the temptations get greater though more subtle, and if one is not ever vigilant, more dangerous. The world may be at war with terrorism and worldly foes, but make no mistake; we are all at war with evil. The higher one climbs the more satisfaction Satan and his fallen angels feel in pulling that one down. Our Lord came into the world to save sinners, but Lucifer is always hard at work to rob Him of His saints. Therefore, be steadfast in your hope and faith in our Lord and firm in your resolve to strive for salvation so that you may reap the eternal reward in heaven.

STEP 19: On Staying Awake

  We've been warned about overindulgence before, and too much sleep is something that we are warned against in the Bible and in many writings of the Holy Fathers. It is true that too much sleep is unhealthy physically and besides being wasteful, it can also foster laziness, depression, and a host of health problems. We need to sleep, and getting the right amount of sleep to stay healthy is a good thing. People, however, sleep for many different reasons, and just like: not all the reasons why we eat are good, not all the reasons why we sleep are good. So, how do we discern the difference between real fatigue and temptation?

  We sleep for many reasons, as St. John points out: "... like desire it has many sources. That is to say, it comes from nature, from food, from demons, or perhaps in some degree from prolonged fasting by which the weakened flesh is moved to long for repose."

  In the Bible, sleep is often the image of death. "O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death" (Ps.13:3). If we consider this symbolically then wakefulness as the opposite to sleep is the image of life. Let us examine quickly and briefly, how sleep is further regarded in the Bible. "Give not sleep to thine eyes"... "a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep: so shall thy poverty come" (Prov. 6: 4,10,11) Here is the struggle. A little sleep is all right, but is it a little sleep, and then a little more sleep, or are we just deluding ourselves in order to justify sleep? Instead of doing something of use, something profitable (which can mean as much spiritually of benefit as materially) by giving in to sleep we are surrendering to the enemy that would rob us of our treasure (spiritually) and leave us impoverished. "But while men slept, his enemy came and sowed" (Matt. 13:25) Sleep is likened to letting one's guard down: that while one sleeps one's enemy can come in and sow. "Why sleep ye? Rise and pray, lest ye enter into temptation." (Luke 22:46) Finally, our Lord warns us that that feeling of fatigue that we feel just when we are about to pray is more likely temptation and that we need to resist it. It is essential that we understand that it is not only a question of too much sleep but also of whether what we are feeling is a real physical need for sleep or a temptation - the illusion of fatigue - to prevent us from doing something that would be good for us.

  St. John explains, "Some demons stand by our bed and encourage us to lie down again after we have got up... Others get those at prayer to fall asleep... Some inspire bad thoughts, others get us to lean against the wall as though we were weary or to start yawning over and over again, while others cause us to laugh during prayer so as to provoke the anger of God against us..."

  Those of us who are on the ladder understand this struggle all too well. It is important to get up and start the day with prayer, or get up to go to church on Sunday morning. All our prayers, especially those at the end of the day are very important. That is why the devil would rob us of them, for they are our connection to God. To go to sleep without our evening prayers is to lie down at the enemy's feet without our armour. Many of the Holy Fathers have written about this struggle. The advice is always the same: fight against the fatigue and try to complete your usual prayers. If, after trying to pray for a few minutes it becomes too much for you to endure, then what you are feeling may be real fatigue, and you should shorten your prayers. On no account should you ever completely abandon them.

  The Bible refers to sleep in another way and this goes back to something I referred to earlier about the symbolism of sleep and of being awake or sober. We are all familiar with the many references in the Bible to "having eyes to see and ears to hear" which tell us that there are those who, because of their faith and by the grace of God, will understand and be aware of signs and occurrences around them that others will not. They will not, and can not, because they are not spiritually awake. Their senses are not working because they are spiritually asleep. In Thessalonians (5:2-8) Apostle Paul warns us of this kind of sleep and explains what it means: "... the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night... But ye, brethren, are not in darkness, that that day should overtake you as a thief. Ye are all children of the light, and the children of the day: we are not of the night, nor of darkness. Therefore, let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober. For they that sleep sleep in the night; and they that be drunken are drunken in the night. But let us, who are of the day, be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love; and for an helmet, the hope of salvation." In this passage, Apostle Paul speaks of sleep, but he is also speaking of sobriety, vigilance - alertness, which brings us to the next step.

STEP #20: On Alertness

  We have discussed the importance of staying awake both physically and spiritually. We have seen how sleep and the feeling of fatigue can be temptation: to lure us away from prayer, to keep us in bed or at home on Sunday mornings, to keep us from evening prayers, to distract us during prayer, to keep us from discerning or being aware of our faith and God in our everyday lives.

  Apostle Peter warns us, "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour" (1 Peter 5:8)

  You wouldn't walk through a dangerous neighbourhood at night without being aware of your surroundings, without being watchful to see who was behind or near you. You wouldn't leave your wallet unattended in a busy store while you walked away to look at something and just take it for granted that it would still be there when you got back. Then why would you not care about the safety of your soul, which is your most important possession. Apostle Peter tells us to be "sober and watch unto prayer." (1 Peter 4:7) Prayer connects us with God. It is our armour, our defense against evil, food for our soul, the lifeline of our faith, and the test of our faith. Yet, it is not always easy to pray. There are always distractions. I was at first annoyed, and then intrigued by the fact that as soon as I began to pray, the phone would ring, there would be someone at the door, there would be shouting heard from the street, one of my family would need me, there would be a loud noise. It seemed I would need to build myself a vault in which to pray if I wanted peace and quiet and uninterrupted prayer. Most of us can't afford a vault, and the truth is that none of us needs one. Being alert means focusing on our prayers. Just as we wouldn't leave valuables in unsecured places, we cannot let our thoughts wander away and leave our prayers dangling. We must be aware of temptation: recognize that distractions, laziness on our part, and lack of self-discipline during prayer, are as dangerous to us spiritually as muggers in a dangerous neighbourhood would be to us physically.

  It is normal and quite common to experience these problems when trying to pray. We all have to work at it. We all need to discipline our thoughts to focus and not wander during prayer. We all feel lazy at some time and there is always a time when we just don't feel like praying. The Holy Fathers experienced this. We know because they wrote about it. There is no shame in admitting it. The shame is in not dealing with it. We need to wake up, be alert and recognize that all these things are either temptation or part of our sinful fallen condition. The next time you are in church and find your thoughts wandering to matters of this world, make a conscious resolve to focus on God and the prayers of the service. The next time and every time from now on when you pray privately concentrate on your prayers and be as determined to not let anything distract you as you would to not leave an infant in the bath to answer the door or phone. As your self-discipline grows stronger, you will notice that the distractions will be less disturbing and less frequent. It also helps to pray to God to give you strength to overcome these weaknesses and temptations, and to protect you from the demons that harass you.

  St. John writes, "The bell rings for prayer. The monk who loves God says, 'Bravo, Bravo'." The lazy monk says, "Alas, Alas." Mealtime reveals the gluttonous, prayer time the lovers of God. This illustrates much of what we discussed earlier, but it also indicates something else. It is a test, a measure of sorts, of one's faith. Prayer that is pure, undistracted, unpolluted and sincere, prayer from the depths of the heart, that rises as easily and sweetly to God as the smoke from incense burning in a church, is not easy! Even the saints struggled to achieve such prayer. Do not be discouraged by your weakness, for strong faith and strong prayer must be developed and worked at just the same as a strong body: with determination, and self-discipline, and sobriety. When we pray we must create a mental vault in our hearts through which nothing and no stray thoughts (good or bad) can enter. Calmly, but vigilantly, we must try and try and try - until we succeed. Just as an athlete works long and hard to achieve his goals, so must we. But consider the reward, as St. John assures us, "Such then is the twentieth step. He who has climbed it has received light in his heart."

STEP # 21: On Unmanly Fears

  According to St. John, this fear "is a lapse from faith that comes from anticipating the unexpected. Fear is danger tasted in advance, a quiver as the heart takes fright before unnamed calamity. Fear is a loss of assurance." Fear of the unknown, fear of death, fear of loss, fear of what others will think, are common fears. Even the apostles tasted these fears when Christ was arrested and crucified. They ran away and hid, Peter denied knowing Christ or being one of His disciples and they all abandoned Christ at the time of His Crucifixion because of their fears. Even after three years of living with Our Lord, listening to His teachings, seeing Him perform miracles, eating, drinking, traveling, being with Him day and night, the Apostles were still subject to fear. They didn't understand what was happening. Without the benefit of the Resurrection and the gift of the Holy Spirit (on Pentecost) they were not equipped to conquer this fear. They experienced a "lapse of faith". The Scriptures tell us of this because God wants us to understand not only what this fear is, but also how to rid ourselves of it. He wants us to realize that just as this fear stopped the apostles from following Christ (temporarily), it can stop us from following Christ. When our faith is strong and we put all our trust and faith in the Lord, nothing can harm us. That doesn't mean everything will be easy. It doesn't mean our faith won't be tested. It doesn't mean we are suddenly ready for, or even realize, everything life has in store for us. Many bitter tears have been shed by those whose spiritual journey alienated them not only from those things of this world which they expected to be detached from, but also from those near them who felt threatened by the changes they observed in them. How we change as we move closer to God is not often easily accepted by those around us. They may feel suspicious, threatened, challenged, even guilty somehow, and they can interfere with our progress if we allow ourselves to be afraid of their reactions. Initially we may also run into misunderstanding, condemnation, rejection and even abuse, but if we focus and rely on Christ and remain steadfast, all this will pass. In my own experience, I was confused, at first, by how many good Christians advised me, 'for my own good', in ways that seemed completely opposed to my journey. I took comfort in the idea that I must be on the right path for the devil to make so much effort to get me off of it.

  Once we put aside all the cares and fears of this world: what we must give up, what others think of us, etc., we are left with the worst fear of all - the fear of not being worthy, of not being able to do what God asks of us, the fear of failing. A member of the clergy once said that this fear was the result of a small and weak faith: the inability to believe strongly enough in God's mercy and forgiveness. Perhaps it is partially that, but St. John, I believe, is closer to the mark when he points out that it is due to our pride: "A proud soul is the slave of cowardice. Trusting only itself, it is frightened by a soul or shadow...The Lord rightly withdraws His protection from the proud so that the rest of us may not become vain." We discussed pride before and it is important to always keep in mind how easy it is, without even realizing it, to become prideful. Now we have another way to detect that deadly flaw in ourselves: should it sneak back into our souls, fear is its bedfellow!

  St. John tells us that demons can also plague us with fear: "It is barrenness of soul, not the darkness or the emptiness of places, which gives the demons power against us. And the providence of God sometimes allows this to happen so that we may learn from it."

  St. John, in the end, gives us some good news, for with spiritual growth comes the ability to sense the presence of angels or spirits by the presence or absence of fear: "The body is terrified by the presence of an invisible spirit. Yet when an angel stands nearby, the soul of the humble is exultant. So if we detect an angel by the effect he is producing, let us hasten to pray since our heavenly guardian has come to join us."

  Those who are meek, truly humble, and honestly put all their faith and trust in God, who put no value on earthly things, and pay little attention to the praise or reproach of others, are free of fears. This is the standard we must strive for.

  Our Lord said that everything is possible through fasting and prayer. There is too much fear in the world today, because there is not enough sincere love of God. I pray that, during this Holy time of Resurrection, we may all find the sweet peace and serenity that only a heart free of fears and full of the love of God can feel. "The Lord is my light and my salvation: Whom then shall I fear?"